The Monster I've Become
by Goddess of the Keyblades
Summary: Katniss sits in the outskirts of District 12 and reflects on how much her life has changed. Set just after the first book. Oneshot. Written in Katniss' point of view.


I sit alone in my favorite part of the woods, overlooking District 12. Night had fallen a few hours ago, but I don't care. I don't want to go back to my house in Victors village. It is not my home, it's just another one of those luxurious things the Capitol can give me that will never quite bring me happiness. The games took away any chance of ever being happy again. Once you have survived them, you can never go back to your normal life. Your experience taunts your waking moments and haunts your dreams.  
The only place where I feel safe is the woods. Its calming and tranquil, and that is why I don't want to leave. I gaze up at the full moon in the sky and remember the times Gale and I have spent in this spot. We would laugh and mock the Capitol, whilst snacking on the delicious berries we had foraged. We would sit here for hours, enjoying the freedom that we where never meant to have. But since that day about 5 months ago, when I volunteered for the Hunger Games, things have never been the same between us.  
It's hardly surprising though. In this time I have become many things.  
A heartbreaker, for starters. Peeta thought I cared for him. Yeah, I really blew it when I told him it was all an act for the games. I still feel terrible about that, and we haven't spoken since. And, to make things worse, I think it crushed Gale to see me being so friendly with Peeta in the arena. I'm so stupid!  
I've also become a bit lunatic. How many times have I had some sort of mental breakdown? Too many. Hardly anyone knows about this, it's usually when I am alone, although Gale has seen me attack random things in a fit of hysteria, and I'm pretty sure Prim has heard me screaming into my pillow, after all, her room is only next door.  
But the worst thing I have become is a killer. I have always been a hunter, so killing isn't anything new to me. But I hunt for food. I hunt woodland creatures to stop my family starving. That is the way the food chain works; Its natural. What isn't natural is killing other children. Somewhere out there, the families of the tributes that I killed have to live their lives in the knowledge that their child will never return home.  
I must seem like such a monster to them.  
I am a monster.  
I guess Cato was technically already going to die. Part of me wants to think I did him a favour, but the other part of me knows that it was my fault the Mutts got him in the first place. At first, I thought Marvel deserved his death. That him killing Rue was disgusting, but I have now come to realize that he was only doing the same thing as myself; Surviving. He shouldn't be the one to blame. The Capitol should. The Capitol are the real demons here. They killed Rue, not him.  
I can feel myself tearing up. Rue. She was just an innocent child, a kind, sweet, caring young girl. She trusted me and... I...  
I let her down.  
I can't help but to let the tears flood down my face. WHY! WHY DO THE CAPITOL DO THIS TO US! Why do they live happily while the people of the Districts are left to suffer! Why do we have to live in fear of who will be picked for the games? Why do we have to watch children getting killed each year? I scream at the top of my lungs, then lash out completely, punching the nearest tree.  
'WHY!' I shout as my fist pounds against the rough bark. 'WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WH...'  
'Katniss?'  
I know that voice. Gale. What's he doing here? I stop dead.  
'Katniss, there you are. We thought you'd been eaten by wild dogs or something.'  
'We?' I reply, trying, but failing, to keep my voice from wobbling.  
'Yes... We. Your Mother, Prim, Myself... and... Peeta. He's been frantically searching for you.'  
An awkward silence settles between us.  
'Looks like he still cares lots about you, Catnip.' Gale also failed to keep his voice from wobbling.  
Peeta. I didn't think he still had feelings for me. I thought he hated me after I told him our love was all an act. But then, was it? I think about how safe I felt in that cave, and the warmth his kiss provided me. I remember falling asleep in his arms, knowing that nothing could hurt us. That we would protect each other. Then I realize.

I love him.

I have been a fool to push him away. I hope he can forgive me, to take me back in his arms, for I think he is the only person that can make me feel complete again.

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own the Hunger Games**


End file.
